I know this is going to be controversial.  I know it’s not a popular stance.  I know I am going to tarnish my spotless image with what I am about to divulge here.  I can’t keep it to myself anymore, though.  The truth has to come out sometime, and it might as well be now.  Dear reader…I’m the Grinch of Halloween.

Bah humbug to all the black and orange!  No thank you to the spooky decorations on top of what were lovely fall porches and doorsteps.  Keep your ghosts and goblins, witches and warlocks, bats and cats, magic, mischief, and mayhem.  I don’t want any of it!  If we could just skip this one holiday all together, I would be the happiest person on the block!  Let’s just add another Fourth of July instead.  Go USA!

Don’t get me wrong.  I love fall!  The earthy colors, the chilled air, the crunchy leaves, the smell of fireplaces…all my senses are attracted to autumn.  The hay rides, pumpkin picking, apple pies, crockpot meals, corn mazes, and other seasonal activities are never-ending in quantity or quality!  Boots, scarfs, vests, hoodies, hats, and warm wool just cry out for snuggles and hand-holding.  Such a romantic time of year!

So why mess it up with all the scary stuff?  Why demonize it?  The girl is frightened by no more than a cold wind, so imagine her delight at an entire cemetery set up in someone’s front yard.  She runs off crying or super glues herself to my body or the Man’s, which, in case you’re wondering, is pretty rad.  You haven’t lived until a three year old clutches your neck with a death grip stronger than the Grim Reaper’s.  The boy is less of a chicken, but he is VERY vocal about the fact that something is amiss with that pumpkin, cat, scarecrow, skeleton, and so on.  Oh no, Mommy! Oh no! Pumpkin SAD! Cat CRYING! Mommy, Mommy, Mommy! LOOK!  Over and over and over.  A whole month of this entertainment from the two of them because the stores carry all that crap in every aisle, the houses are decorated to the brim with that nonsense, and commercials for Halloween garbage play all day and all night.  I can’t escape it!

And then there’s the worst part.  You’re almost through the forsaken month.  You can practically taste November and all it offers…when October 31^st finally rears its ugly head.  None of my kids care about what they want to be for Halloween at all.  If you ask them, the answer changes every day and every choice comes with absolutely no conviction.  The girl and the boy really don’t get it, and even if the baby can’t do a trick or eat a treat, he’s got to have a costume too.  So I get to take care of it all.  With three babies, there’s got to be an idea to tie them together.  Now, I am plenty creative, but I am neither rich enough to buy a clever outfit or talented enough to sew a cute getup.  I can THINK of ideas for costumes all day, but actually acquiring them is another beast entirely.  A theme! An original one! One that the Man and I can take part in too!  All so we can cover the costumes up with coats and hats (because Halloween doesn’t happen in July), drag the kids around the neighborhood in a wagon for no more than thirty minutes (because then their red noses indicate these turkeys are done), and rush them back inside for warm baths.

But not before snapping pictures to share, so we can prove we did it.

Once they’re all tucked in, we’re left with a pile of treats that will make the Man and I chubbier and cavity-filled (because I’m not giving more than a couple pieces to the babies, lest they think this is a weekly way of getting free candy), and we spend the rest of the night handing out more than we got to either little kids hyped on sugar or teenagers who clearly don’t care…because if you leave out a no candy sign or turn your lights off, you might as well just throw the eggs at the house yourself.  NO!  NO MORE! NOT FOR ME!

That’s not even kind of true though.  We’ll run through it all again this year and next year and the year after because it’s tradition and fun!  I’m not sure for who but clearly not this lady.  Maybe this year I’ll wear my bedspread and pour water on myself…and just go as a wet blanket.  But then, it wouldn’t really be a costume, would it?