Mom, Please Don’t Read This Post

loveletter**Just a heads up, dear reader.  I curse kind of a lot.  I try not to do it around the kids or company or my mom or anyone I want to impress.  Still, there’s nothing better than a well-placed swear word.  This post is full of them!  Being the Lady that I am, I wanted to let you know they were coming in case cursing isn’t as lovely to you as it can be to me.**

My Sweet Fuck,

Let me start by saying that I love you.  No, I fucking love you.  I can’t imagine my life without you!  You’ve been there for me in good times and in bad.  You’ve supported me.  You’ve encouraged me.  You’ve been my constant in a life filled with highs and lows.  I would be nothing without you.

Let’s go back to when we first met.  College.  Sophomore year.  I’d never cursed before then.  Hard to believe, I know.  I was young!  Naïve!  I thought I could live without a love like ours because it was forbidden.  Cursing wasn’t allowed in my family, and my innocent mind thought that no matter where my parents were, they would find out.

Then, The Man entered my life.

After hanging out (are young people still using that phrase?) one afternoon, he told me I couldn’t leave until I said a curse word, shocked that I had spent so many years without them.  He chose you for my initiation, and I am so glad he did.  Ever the good girl, I was late for class and to get him out of my way, I yelled out a resounding and triumphant, “FUCK!”  The flood gates opened.  I called to you, and you answered.  There was no turning back.

The curses poured out like water from a faucet forever after that moment.  Shit.  Ass.  Bitch.  And you, my darling Fuck.  You were and always have been my favorite.  You start off so slow and sweet and then rev up to a hard, dramatic finish!  FffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuCK!  Excellent.  And so versatile!  The perfect pairing no matter the mood.

Passed the exam you spent weeks preparing for?  Fuck yeah!
Dropped the coffee you just paid for on your shoes?  FUCK no!
Doing a dance of joy because the kids are all in bed and there’s wine in the house?
(set to the tune of happy birthday) I am so fucking awesome!  I am so fucking awesome! I am sooooooooooooo fucking awesome! I am so fucking awesome!

Can’t get anything right and then your mother-in-law walks in?  Fuck, fuck, fuckity-fuck!

Oh, I tried to ease up on our connection, replace you, and even banish you all together.  It never lasted.  I would always come back to your fucking embrace.  I know I have a love of language and a degree in English.  I should be smarter than this!  I should rise above you.  But, well, I just can’t quit you.  No other word is as fitting as you are!  You always suit the occasion.  The little black dress of dirty language.  Oh yes, you naughty, little Fuck.  I called you dirty.  You’re only four letters long, but we both know that, in your case, size absolutely does not matter.  You can get it done.  Big time!

And now, because the children are always watching and listening (except when I want them to watch and listen), my precious babes are starting their relationship with you as well.  I tried to hide our love!  Keep it our secret.  But your pull is so strong, that I slip even when I know better.  The girl and the boy have already uttered your sweets sounds in my direction, and I have no doubt the baby will not be far behind.  This beginning is an important step for my little ones.  The start of one of the most (if not THE most) important relationships they will ever have.  I’m so proud to witness it.  Brings a tear to my terrible parent eye.

I come to you today not as a parent, though.  Or a wife.  Or a writer.  And clearly not as a Lady.  I come to you as your truest fan, in a form I know you would deeply appreciate, a love letter.  Because that’s what you are to me: four lovely letters joined in harmonious  satisfaction no matter when, where, or why you are presented.  You’ve never let me down, dear Fuck, and I am so fucking grateful.

All my fucking love always,
The Lady

5 thoughts on “Mom, Please Don’t Read This Post

  1. Jennifer

    Did you know that FUCK is an Old English acronym for FORNICATION UNDER CONSENT of the KING?

  2. Ness

    By far my favorite one too, in English. I like to say it in different accents too, from various characters of movies you’ve (most likely) not seen ;-)
    Like from Trainspotting ” Fir fok’s sake” in a nice Scot voice !


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