I’m all about Pinterest.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love the inspiration, the creativity, the hilarity, and the endless time suck it provides.  I have a whole board of projects, meals, and parties that I have completed due to Pinterest.  BUT during my late night pinning marathons, I have noticed a few troubling trends  developing among my fellow pinners. So here are the Lady’s pinning tips for you. You’ve been warned.

1.  Cauliflower is never going to taste like pizza crust!  No matter how much you garlic, parmesan, or egg it up.  It’s still just a vegetable and not tasty, tasty, tasty bread.

2.  No workout that involves squats, burpees, and/or planks is ever “quick and easy.”  Liars.

3.  Women like wine.  Husbands are idiots.  Coffee is essential.  Let’s agree to find some new someecard topics, k?

4.  Let’s also agree never to stop pinning the gorgeousness that is Ryan Gosling.  Or Bradley Cooper.  Or Ryan Reynolds.

5.  Conversely, no one is allowed to pin any more images of super hot women showing their airbrushed perfection in sexy poses that are impossible for normal humans to achieve.  Except lesbian pinners.  Enjoy your eye candy, sister friends.

6.  The people in all those awesome family photos are staged or on drugs.  True story.  Your man is never going to smile that lovingly at the baby that wrecked his personal playground. The kids are never going to keep their clothes that clean. Your hair just isn’t that shiny.  It’s okay!  Be real.  Wipe all your faces, wear something that’s at least not wrinkled, and hope that your photographer is really a magician.  Mine is.

7.  And while we’re at it, stop pinning advice on how to use a DSLR.  It’s effing complicated.  Unless you also have a talented eye, interesting props, the ability to stage, knowledge of light and composition, an understanding of post-processing, endless energy, or the time to learn how to do all that, just hire an amazing photographer for the gorgeous photos you want.

8.  If I see one more pin about what you can do with a mason jar, I am going to get a bat, go to my local mason jar factory, and start swinging.  Enough!

9.  Same as number eight but for wooden pallets.

10.  Same as number nine but for toilet paper rolls.  Only I’ll use a match instead of a bat.

11.  If you’re not pregnant, then you’re not allowed to pin baby items.  You’re confusing everyone and giving your mother a heart attack. Not to mention your mother-in-law. On second thought…

12.  Crayons do NOT melt in a colorful and beautiful way.  Not in ice cube trays.  Not into cute shapes.  Not on a canvas.

13.  If you, alone, have collected that many corks, it might be time to call Betty Ford or a therapist.

14.  No child’s paint handprint comes out that perfectly.  Unless you’re doing crafts in their sleep.

15.  It is impossible to paint your own fingernails that well.  I call shenanigans!  Just post the number of your salon, and let’s move on.

16.  You are ONE THOUSAND percent allowed to take credit for anything and everything that you make from Pinterest!  An idea is nothing more than a thought without the effort, skill, time, money, talent, energy, and desire it takes to bring it to life.  So pin it, do it, and brag about it!  Unless it violates any of the above tips.